I dyed my hearing aids pink. I didn't mean to but the tubes are very definitely pink. As are the original golden aids themselves. Whoops.
I thought pink hair would cheer me up. It really does and looks so much better on me than this weird yellow colour I seem to be rocking. Meh, it's all coming off soon anyways.
However, the pink dye has gotten everywhere. Including my new hearing aids. I managed to get some fancy Bluetooth ones by telling audiology that I wouldn't be able to use headphones for a while due to having my head sliced open. So, I have nice hearing aids that connect directly to my phone and I can listen to whatever I want now. It's just confusing for everyone else around me as they can't see headphones or earbuds.
Now I get shouted at or poked when someone wants my attention. Rude I say, just rude. I poke them back.
What's being deaf like?
Well, it sucks. I'm between worlds; the hearing and the deaf. I struggle with hearing and I don't speak BSL so I'm stuck. I thought about learning BSL but then who would I talk to? No one I know uses BSL, I'd be all alone.
Wanna know what it's like? Turn the radio on to a comfortable level for you. Hold out your hands, palms up. Put them over your ears and push hard against your head. There you go. Now listen to the noise. It's changed. Not just quieter but the quality has changed too. It's squelchy or like being underwater.
Hearing loss isn't like sight loss. Hearing aids don't give me back the frequencies I've lost. Sound doesn't get sharper. They are simply amplifiers to the noises you can hear. Oh, there's a trumpet on that track? That's nice.
The first time I knew something was wrong as when I couldn't hear a clock ticking. But when I turned my head to sleep on the other side, I could.
There is a huge stigmatisation around being deaf and hearing loss. I thought it was the end of the world as I was given two huge flesh-coloured hearing aids to put on back in the early noughties. The tubes sat in my ears and were uncomfortable. They rubbed the soft skin between the ear and head. I was given a quick intro on how to clean the tubes, a packet of batteries and that was it. Off you go.
Hearing is something I have to work at, concentrate on. Like being in a lecture that is responsible for 50 percent of your final grade. You listen and focus on each word. If I don't then I lose it.
Can you repeat that please?
Oh don't worry, I didn't say anything.
But what did you say?
Nothing.
THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SAY IT?
This is a conversation I have had with people several times a day for the last twenty years. Seriously, please repeat what you said. The dismissal, don't worry about it, is othering me. You aren't treating me as part of the group, you've removed me and put me to the side. It's subtle, and I'm expected to suck it up. I've also been told I'm not deaf, and had a company refuse to accommodate my hearing needs when we moved into a big open plan office. Some of the fun things that have happened.
Avoidance
Obviously all the above is just noise as I try not to think about the operation. Ugh, I'm so done. Last minute sorting of preop scans booked for a week after the operation hasn't helped. Some other admin has caused unwanted issues that I don't need a couple of working days before a brain tumour op. Or any op.
But bags are packed, audiobooks and podcasts are downloaded, just waiting for my dressing gown to dry.
I've spent hours rearranging my garden on Animal Crossing and my husband has promised to water my virtual plants while I'm away. Zelda is too emotional for me to play since the death of my horse. Also, virtual.
This weekend is catching up with some friends, cleaning and getting ready for the week ahead.
GAH, I'm so not ready for this.
Claire x