Neon green leopard print

And waking up wrapped in eight metres of it.

The world isn’t set up for people with seizures. That sounds melodramatic; maybe it is a bit. Everyone else seems to glide through life, hopping on buses without worrying they might wake up on the wrong side of Bristol or worse, wake up at home wrapped in eight metres of neon green leopard print polycotton fabric when you were planning to get one metre of black drill.

WTF am I going to do with eight metres of neon green leopard print?

Let me explain.

My therapist’s fault

My therapist said I needed a hobby and to get TF off social media. So, after careful consideration, I fell upon sewing. Borrowed a machine off my mum, bought some cheap material and tried to make a bag. It was terrible. My cutting out was wonky; turned out I need glasses, which also explained why my seams were all over the place, and I had no idea how to work a sewing machine. Have you seen one? They are complicated and the bloody thread never stays in the needle.

The first material I tried to work with was viscose. Turns out viscose is basically water and the worst thing to learn how to sew with. My sewing machine ate it every single time. I ruined so much fabric by having to pull it out from the feed dogs and the bobbin bit. Obviously it was ripped to shreds. Luckily there are YouTube videos on how to start sewing with normal material, what you need and the fabrics to start with. These are basically cottons and linens. These are still my safe place.

So, I bought a bag pattern, read the instructions, understood that I needed material that has some structure to it, and set off on a bus for the second time since the operation to go into town and buy some stuff to make this bag.

Except the bus was busy. And hot. And loud.

I felt the familiar disconnection from the world coming on as the seizure started and that was it. I have no memory between the bus journey and waking up in my lounge two hours later wrapped in said neon green leopard print. Thankfully it was only £1 per metre.

I know what other Claire was thinking in the fabric shop. ‘Ooooo, look at this material, it’s neon green with leopards on it so it’s leopard print but with actual leopards. AHAHAHAHAHAAHA.’

I know this because I would’ve had the same thought and then put the fabric roll down and picked up the black drill because I had A PLAN. And that was going to be a bag.

Check out my pants

This material isn’t thick enough for the planned bag, so I searched for a new pattern that I could cope with. I moved up from bags to clothes. I made shorts. It took four days to cut the pattern out, then the material, and sew it all together. I got so tired and confused doing it. Half hour sewing = two hours’ sleep.

Check out those leopards. I didn’t even try to pattern match. It has elastic in it.

I sewed the front parts together twice. Then sewed the left front piece to the right back piece. Got the next rendition right, but the wrong side of the fabric had loads of big loops, which are apparently called bird nests, and then it all fell apart.

It’s like a jigsaw, only you have to unpick everything several times and throw it across the room while screaming. Awesome therapy, 10/10 recommend.

I made them again in a nice lightweight Indian block print fabric just in time for the hot weather. And then again in another nice lightweight Indian block print fabric. Then I realised I needed to make something else because there’s only so many times you can make a pair of shorts and I still had about SIX METRES OF NEON GREEN LEOPARD PRINT material left.

I thought I’d be up for more of a challenge and there was a shirt to match the shorts. Polycotton is pretty strong and can take a hammering/much unpicking. And I figured that if it went wrong, I had plenty of material to try it again.

I tried pattern matching here. Oh well.

I agonised over the buttons for days. Measuring their positions over and over again to make sure they were the same distance from each other and the front of the shirt. I’d never made buttonholes before. They are evil, can confirm.

This set is now finished and totally unwearable because it’s polycotton and therefore sweaty. I then made this top in two Indian block print patterned fabrics so I could have two sets I can wear to bed.

One-of-a-kind

After that, I thought fuck it and made a massive neon green leopard print beach bag and took it to Taormina. I was not aware of Taormina’s reputation as a playground for the very rich and very famous before we went. While we were there, Bulgari flew in billionaires and their families for an evening of displaying their most expensive jewellery on the catwalk in the beautiful old theatre. The next day, I sunbathed next to around 40 of the most beautiful and tall people I’ve ever seen in my life. I walked past a woman carrying a Hermes Birkin 30 Himalaya with palladium hardware and made from croc skin. I know it was real because of the people carrying the numerous designer shopping bags behind her.

Also, I like a handbag.

But none of them carried a neon green leopard print beach bag. Not one. And mine went everywhere.

I still have at least two metres left. Please send ideas of what I can do with it.

Until next time.

Claire x

PS. This is the poem Max Wallis assembled from my Substack about having a seizure.

Seizure 1 by Claire Snook

It’s amazing. You can also hear me read it out loud.